Umm

So I have been feeling restless lately. I can't put my finger to it, but I am itching to run. I don't know where to or for how long, or when. But I am getting bored or ... complacent maybe?

Hey there, Raccoon Eyes

I haven't been sleeping great and I have dark circles under my eyes. I look like a raccoon, a nightime bandit if you will. It isn't fun. But hey, it happens.

I spent Monday after work at softball practice, and then cleaning my room until the wee hours because I promised my mom I would. I spent yesterday on the softball field at a game, and then when I went home I am not even sure where the night went - because next thing I knew it was 9:30 and we were just eating dinner, and then I watched the news (?!) and played on the computer and dried my hair and just fell into bed. And then my alarm rang like 7 seconds later signaling me to get up.

What is that about?

Today I plan to take it easy after work and get to bed at a reasonable time... Oh goodness.

And then one more random thought: I hate drama and conflict.

I am on the brink and I may leap. Catch me, baby, catch me; I am ready to fall.

I feel stagnant, shallow, stale. I am suffering. I don' know what from. I don't know anything anymore. Or ever? I am so non-complacent and I just DON'T KNOW.

It has always been so difficult for me to say that. I hate not knowing. I am a planner, I make plans. I know things in advance. I don't “wing it”, I don't shoot from the hip. I take aim and fire. I don't guess. I calculate. I don't not know. But now I feel like it is all I am ever saying. And (again) I don't know why.

I used to be so good at making decisions. I was decisive and I knew everything. I sound slightly conceited. Now I have so many options, and yet none at all. Everything is a massive, nasty contradiction and it isn't fair.

One the one hand I am 20 years old, and I have the ability to do anything. I am intelligent, I am caring, and I am kind. I am a generally nice, likeable person so I don’t doubt that I can do *anything*. I am going to change majors so that I can finish school as quickly as humanly possible. I will have a degree in Business Administration. There are a million and fifteen possible things to do with that.

On the other hand I am 20 years old, working full time, taking classes at night, and I am tired all day everyday. I am mentally drained. I am spent. Maxed out. I am still a generally nice, likeable person but I have zero energy to do anything. I feel 45 and I just get sick of dealing with the day-to-day crap. I have a life plan and I am still trying to decide if it is my life plan or the life plan that someone gave to me. I don’t want to do *anything*.

I think part of my problem is that most of my life has been spent doing the things that were expected of me. Maybe that is why I used to be able to make decisions. They were pre-made. I wasn’t deciding on what I wanted I was deciding on what someone already said I should do. I wasn’t decisive; I was blind or foolish. I have learned to think for myself. It seems like a late teenage rebellion. My parents don’t know what to think; they tell me I am just trying to be difficult. I’m not. I am trying to be me, or at least trying to learn who me is.

Sometimes I laugh when people ask me about music. What did I listen to when I was younger. I listened to country – but I don’t know if it was because I liked it or just because it was what my parents listened to. Now I have my own music and every now and then a country song gets added to the list. But it is because I want to put it there not because someone said I should.

I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate being told what to do. I continually get into arguments at home because there is a bit of a power struggle going on. I am trying to gain it and my parents are trying not to lose it. I am 20 years old. I am an adult. But I still live in my parents’ house. I try to respect their wishes and do as they ask but sometimes I just want to make my own decisions.

My father, no matter what, constantly gives me advice. Advice I am neither asking for nor do I want. I have asked him time and time again to stop. I am strong and I am resilient. But I am not stupid, I will ask for advice when I need it. We have argued more times than I can count about his little interjections. I start feeling like I have control over my life and then when he starts telling me what I should do and sometimes I lose it. I have an Irish temper. It is what I do. It is all I ever knew. When I was growing up he was prone to little explosions, he has a temper. My mom has a temper. We are all strong personalities and sometimes it gets a little messy.

But I am trying. I am 20 years old and I have a full time job, a 3.8 GPA, my own car, my own insurance, two retirement plans, and an extremely strict budget. I am so far ahead of the game; I am much farther ahead then most people twice my age, let alone those who are my age.

In some ways I have been on my own for a very long time. I was forced to grow up a little sooner than I should have, but I deal. And in some ways I am just learning to stand on my own two feet, and I am a little shaky. I am going to fall, that is one thing I do know. I am going to fall and fall hard. I am going to get a bit bruised and I’m sure I will be undignified. But I will survive.

I will survive because I will refuse to quit, because I will not back down. It isn’t in my nature. I don’t like giving up even in the fight is futile. I was fight and I will survive, but I may not win. And I am OK with that. Because I am learning to accept that I cannot plan everything, and I cannot know everything in advance. And really? I am OK with that.

A Tosh Prayer

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

oh holy lord. protect me. from myself. and from others. preserve the little sanity I have left. and maintian me. amen.

हिंदी?

अहह! वीक फ्रॉम हेल = थे लास्ट २ वीक्स? इत हस बीन इंसाने! ई हर्द्लेय क्नोव वहत तो सय बेकाउसे तेरे रेअल्ल्य अरे नो वोर्द्स फ़ॉर इत। ई कान्नोत वेट तो जुस्त स्लीप थिस वीकएंड। नताली वांट्स मे तो गो तो हेर प्लय ओं सतुर्दय ऎंड थें गो तो थे फिल्लिएस गेम ओं सुन्दय; ई जुस्त डॉन'त क्नोव इफ ई कैन हंदले इत। ई रेअल्ल्य रेअल्ल्य रेअल्ल्य नीद तो रेस्ट थिस वीकएंड। एवेर्य टिम ई सय ई ऍम नॉट गोइंग तो गो आउट ई विंड उप स्तायिंग आउट तिल अल हौर्स ऑफ़ थे निघ्त ऎंड बीइंग एक्ष्हौस्तेद् थे नेक्ष्त् मोर्निंग व्हें ई कैन'त स्लीप इन। इत इस जुस्त दिफ्फिचुल्ट त्र्यिंग तो हवे अ लाइफ व्हें ई रेअल्ल्य डॉन'त वांट तो दो अन्य्थिंग; ई जुस्त वांट तो स्लीप!

ई लिके व्रितिंग इन हिंदी; ऑफ़ कोर्स व्हें ई कॉम बैक तो रीड इत ई विल हवे नो आईडिया वहत थिस सय्स ऎंड ई विल बे वैरी अपसेट... ऎंड अ लिटिल उन्कोम्फोर्ताब्ले मोस्ट लिकेल्य। ओह वेल्ल... ई फिगुरेड इत इस वोर्थ अ शोत।

UNSW here I am?

Well, g'day from Down Unda. I have arrived. (In Australia that is.) My plane landed at 6:15 am, local time, this morning and it is currently 5:25pm, just I am here just under 12 hours but so far I like it. I have gotten sunburned already (what with being the palest, most ghost-like apparition in the world it's no wonder), but that is OK - a little sunrburn on the bum never hurt anyone. (Well, actually it hurts be but who is counting?)

It's weird - they drive from the opposite side of the car, on the opposite side of the road, and it is a little bit distracting and I am not sure that I know what to do with any of it yet really. Also, I have already lost one pair of sunglasses. Actually I am fairly sure that I left that at the restaurant where we had lunch but ... who can really be sure? And... I haven't gone back to check yet. Maybe I will later this evening.

I am very tired. A 22 and 1/2 hour journey would put anyome through a loop. My flight was two hours late leaving from Philadelphia, and an hour late landing in San Fransico. I was very worried that I would miss my flight - but I RAN and RAN and RAN through that airport and made it in time to board. Only - problem. As I handed the man my boarding ticket he told me that it was invalid. WHAT?!?! Apparently you need a visa to enter Australia, and I didn't have one. So oh my goodness! I was worried but luckily I was allowed to purchase one right that at the counter. So, crisis averted.

Then the flight from San Fran to Sydney was 13 hours. That is a lot of hours to be sittting down in a cramped seat with people pressed in all around you. I sat next to a woman and her two, young children. Luckily they were adorable and well-behaved so no problems there.

All-in-all a good time so far! I am just glad to be here!! Missing everyone at home <3 LOVE YOU <3.

Hello, Spring.

So this time next week I will be in Australia!! Who is excited for me? I AM! Wooooo hooooo! But, yeah - my plane leaves in six days time and I am still not packed. That is so unlike me. I always start packing two weeks before I leave. Almost three weeks before I left for Italy! Now I am a bum.

I really need this mini-vacation though. I need it badly. I feel so claustrophobic right now, like everything in my life is closing in around me. I am suffocating. And there are so many things that are just... not right lately. I can't even really put a finger to it - I just don't like the place I am in right now. I don't like it one bit.

Hold me?

hold me?

So. Remember that time when last week I said it was the longest week of my life? Scratch that. Exit last week; enter this week.

I think there must be something in the water here. This has been the *craziest* work week I can remember in the history of all time. There are just so many odd little things cropping up and slapping me around. It hurts my feelings.

I have had a headache since Monday morning. It started out when I woke up; just wasn't in a fab mood. It had been an iffy weekend. I had a huge zit (that looked like a welt, maybe as if I'd been hit in the head with a baseball) on my forehead. That just makes me cranky. So all weekend my family laughs and jokes about my second head, and ahahaha it was fun. No. So anyway, it hadn't gone away by Monday (which I had really hoped for). First thing Monday morning my dad and I go to Sam's Club to get candy for the vending machine. He's not in a fab mood either. I can tell. And for some reason he decides he needs to mention my monster zit. (I think he just wanted to provoke an argument...) "What is THAT?!" and I said "My zit. Thanks for mentioning it again.” Now he’s angry that I called him on it and goes on the defensive. “What?! I thought it was a cut.” ((*LIAR!*)) I just looked at him and told him “No you didn’t. It doesn’t look like a cut; it isn’t bleeding.” This gets him angrier still. Oh well – don’t mess with me when I have a zit. If you play with the fire you will get burned, so get out the kitchen (or something along those lines). “Yes I did think it was a cut, whatever!” Now he’s saying whatever? I asked him “Why do you feel the need to comment on every-little-thing?” So I think that one sent him off the deep end. He starts muttering under his breath. Well, I don’t need this shit. So I tell him to stop muttering under his breath and if he has something to say he can say it to me, I tell him he is acting like a child, and I don’t appreciate it. Then it somehow escalated into a full out battle. Name-calling, cursing, childish outbursts; the whole works.
------------All-in-all, not a fab way to start a week.

It just doesn’t get better from there. There was an incident after school with some students with the police on Tuesday, a fight and drug-search on Wednesday. I swear the full moon must have been affecting everyone in the area. Just a wacky, bizarre week. And I didn't get a snow day Wednesday like I wanted - I didn't even get to leave early... :(

Now it is Thursday and my headache is still here. (Hello, old friend.) And I have been tired since Sunday night. I wonder if I am suffering from some sad, scary sickness that no one has ever had before – like Workingadultitis. Or Ineedavacaytionow Syndrome. I think so.

I badly need a nap, and all my love <3

AU here I come?!

So. I recently found out that I scored 104 on my math mid-term. (Which means: I can go to Australia like I promised myself.) Who knew I was smart? It is scaring me. Maybe if I *had* put in a little effort in high school I could have gone to a school I actually wanted to... who knows? Haha.

I laugh - if the teachers who had me back then could only see me now. I am Tosh3000- super genius. Scary.

So I am going to booking my trip to the Down Under soon; hopefully before Sunday. I just need to check in with Boris to make sure the dates work. I wish Nikki Lynne was coming too. Then the Three Amigos would be together again – only on the other side of the world.

But it’s OK – there will be a Flat Nikki Lynne and a Flat Tosh if we go at separate times. We’d be exactly like a Flat Stanley – only much, much cooler. And one of us would be Chinese and the other Russian. And we’d both be girls instead of a boy. So maybe not exactly like Flat Stanley but like his foreign, female counterparts.

So my life has been hectic, hectic, hectic and a little bust this week. There was so much to do!
+ Monday was my mess of a day of classes. I had work until noon, class at 1:30, and then class at 6:30. I hate Mondays. There is not enough time in a Monday for life to happen.

+ Tuesday was a busy day at work, I was faxing and on the phone seemingly all day. My bosses weren’t in the building so there wasn’t a whole lot of direction for me, but I made it work. I had math class at 6:30 on Tuesday (which, as stated above, turned out phenomenally). After class ended (early) around 9:10 I grabbed Nikki Lynne and we went to Fridays. I said I was going to get real food, but we both got beastly dessert and coffee. Saw Will there – a blast from the past circa 10th grade – strange. Finally got home and just fell into bed, comatose.

+ Wednesday – honestly I don’t remember much of Wednesday only that I think my life hurt all day.

+ Thursday was PAY DAY so that is always fun. It was also the longest day of the longest week of my life. Worked until 4:30, went home, slept for like 40 minutes before getting up and going to a Dwight Evans for Mayor Roundtable Meeting.
That was actually very cool. I am going to be doing some volunteer work for the campaign. EVERYONE should get involved – it is a really good campaign. He is really focused on the NE – and since that is where I live, I’m down with that. I met him last night, he was a really nice man, genuine too – which is so rare in a politician. He is a big advocate for Education and Public Safety. Philadelphia is being called “The Murder City” and under his leadership we’d be able to put new police officers on the street, and able to get new and updated equipment. I am by no means an expert on his campaign platforms but if you look at his website (http://www.evansformayor.com/) I am sure you can agree that he is a phenomenal candidate for Philadelphia Mayor.
Anyway, off of my political rant and onto the rest of the night because it was by far the highlight of my week. The Ritz Carlton Hotel downtown does a *CHOCOLATE BUFFET* every Thursday. So when Jessica tells me about this (she had gone the week before on a school trip/assignment) it seems natural that we go. So Jessica, Nikki Lynne, Drew and I all go to the chocolate buffet. I was in heaven. Everything was delicious – even the things I didn’t actually like we good, only I didn’t like them. I suggest that everyone take part in that also. Well after I dropped everyone off and got home it was after 11pm. I had to let Maveric out since apparently no one at home could help me out with that, feed him, and eat something for dinner since I only at chocolate all evening. I finally got cleaned up and went to bed. I think I was asleep before I hit the pillow.

+ Friday is today and it’s only 9:30 in the morning so I haven’t much to report yet. Only that it is rainy and humid and gross out. I may go to LBI tonight to check out some houses on the island with the family. Who knows? If not someone get at me with some plans for tonight!


So I have rambled on for a page and a half now. So I am going to call it quits. <3