Friday, May 25, 2007
Umm
So I have been feeling restless lately. I can't put my finger to it, but I am itching to run. I don't know where to or for how long, or when. But I am getting bored or ... complacent maybe?
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Hey there, Raccoon Eyes
I haven't been sleeping great and I have dark circles under my eyes. I look like a raccoon, a nightime bandit if you will. It isn't fun. But hey, it happens.
I spent Monday after work at softball practice, and then cleaning my room until the wee hours because I promised my mom I would. I spent yesterday on the softball field at a game, and then when I went home I am not even sure where the night went - because next thing I knew it was 9:30 and we were just eating dinner, and then I watched the news (?!) and played on the computer and dried my hair and just fell into bed. And then my alarm rang like 7 seconds later signaling me to get up.
What is that about?
Today I plan to take it easy after work and get to bed at a reasonable time... Oh goodness.
And then one more random thought: I hate drama and conflict.
I spent Monday after work at softball practice, and then cleaning my room until the wee hours because I promised my mom I would. I spent yesterday on the softball field at a game, and then when I went home I am not even sure where the night went - because next thing I knew it was 9:30 and we were just eating dinner, and then I watched the news (?!) and played on the computer and dried my hair and just fell into bed. And then my alarm rang like 7 seconds later signaling me to get up.
What is that about?
Today I plan to take it easy after work and get to bed at a reasonable time... Oh goodness.
And then one more random thought: I hate drama and conflict.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
I am on the brink and I may leap. Catch me, baby, catch me; I am ready to fall.
I feel stagnant, shallow, stale. I am suffering. I don' know what from. I don't know anything anymore. Or ever? I am so non-complacent and I just DON'T KNOW.
It has always been so difficult for me to say that. I hate not knowing. I am a planner, I make plans. I know things in advance. I don't “wing it”, I don't shoot from the hip. I take aim and fire. I don't guess. I calculate. I don't not know. But now I feel like it is all I am ever saying. And (again) I don't know why.
I used to be so good at making decisions. I was decisive and I knew everything. I sound slightly conceited. Now I have so many options, and yet none at all. Everything is a massive, nasty contradiction and it isn't fair.
One the one hand I am 20 years old, and I have the ability to do anything. I am intelligent, I am caring, and I am kind. I am a generally nice, likeable person so I don’t doubt that I can do *anything*. I am going to change majors so that I can finish school as quickly as humanly possible. I will have a degree in Business Administration. There are a million and fifteen possible things to do with that.
On the other hand I am 20 years old, working full time, taking classes at night, and I am tired all day everyday. I am mentally drained. I am spent. Maxed out. I am still a generally nice, likeable person but I have zero energy to do anything. I feel 45 and I just get sick of dealing with the day-to-day crap. I have a life plan and I am still trying to decide if it is my life plan or the life plan that someone gave to me. I don’t want to do *anything*.
I think part of my problem is that most of my life has been spent doing the things that were expected of me. Maybe that is why I used to be able to make decisions. They were pre-made. I wasn’t deciding on what I wanted I was deciding on what someone already said I should do. I wasn’t decisive; I was blind or foolish. I have learned to think for myself. It seems like a late teenage rebellion. My parents don’t know what to think; they tell me I am just trying to be difficult. I’m not. I am trying to be me, or at least trying to learn who me is.
Sometimes I laugh when people ask me about music. What did I listen to when I was younger. I listened to country – but I don’t know if it was because I liked it or just because it was what my parents listened to. Now I have my own music and every now and then a country song gets added to the list. But it is because I want to put it there not because someone said I should.
I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate being told what to do. I continually get into arguments at home because there is a bit of a power struggle going on. I am trying to gain it and my parents are trying not to lose it. I am 20 years old. I am an adult. But I still live in my parents’ house. I try to respect their wishes and do as they ask but sometimes I just want to make my own decisions.
My father, no matter what, constantly gives me advice. Advice I am neither asking for nor do I want. I have asked him time and time again to stop. I am strong and I am resilient. But I am not stupid, I will ask for advice when I need it. We have argued more times than I can count about his little interjections. I start feeling like I have control over my life and then when he starts telling me what I should do and sometimes I lose it. I have an Irish temper. It is what I do. It is all I ever knew. When I was growing up he was prone to little explosions, he has a temper. My mom has a temper. We are all strong personalities and sometimes it gets a little messy.
But I am trying. I am 20 years old and I have a full time job, a 3.8 GPA, my own car, my own insurance, two retirement plans, and an extremely strict budget. I am so far ahead of the game; I am much farther ahead then most people twice my age, let alone those who are my age.
In some ways I have been on my own for a very long time. I was forced to grow up a little sooner than I should have, but I deal. And in some ways I am just learning to stand on my own two feet, and I am a little shaky. I am going to fall, that is one thing I do know. I am going to fall and fall hard. I am going to get a bit bruised and I’m sure I will be undignified. But I will survive.
I will survive because I will refuse to quit, because I will not back down. It isn’t in my nature. I don’t like giving up even in the fight is futile. I was fight and I will survive, but I may not win. And I am OK with that. Because I am learning to accept that I cannot plan everything, and I cannot know everything in advance. And really? I am OK with that.
It has always been so difficult for me to say that. I hate not knowing. I am a planner, I make plans. I know things in advance. I don't “wing it”, I don't shoot from the hip. I take aim and fire. I don't guess. I calculate. I don't not know. But now I feel like it is all I am ever saying. And (again) I don't know why.
I used to be so good at making decisions. I was decisive and I knew everything. I sound slightly conceited. Now I have so many options, and yet none at all. Everything is a massive, nasty contradiction and it isn't fair.
One the one hand I am 20 years old, and I have the ability to do anything. I am intelligent, I am caring, and I am kind. I am a generally nice, likeable person so I don’t doubt that I can do *anything*. I am going to change majors so that I can finish school as quickly as humanly possible. I will have a degree in Business Administration. There are a million and fifteen possible things to do with that.
On the other hand I am 20 years old, working full time, taking classes at night, and I am tired all day everyday. I am mentally drained. I am spent. Maxed out. I am still a generally nice, likeable person but I have zero energy to do anything. I feel 45 and I just get sick of dealing with the day-to-day crap. I have a life plan and I am still trying to decide if it is my life plan or the life plan that someone gave to me. I don’t want to do *anything*.
I think part of my problem is that most of my life has been spent doing the things that were expected of me. Maybe that is why I used to be able to make decisions. They were pre-made. I wasn’t deciding on what I wanted I was deciding on what someone already said I should do. I wasn’t decisive; I was blind or foolish. I have learned to think for myself. It seems like a late teenage rebellion. My parents don’t know what to think; they tell me I am just trying to be difficult. I’m not. I am trying to be me, or at least trying to learn who me is.
Sometimes I laugh when people ask me about music. What did I listen to when I was younger. I listened to country – but I don’t know if it was because I liked it or just because it was what my parents listened to. Now I have my own music and every now and then a country song gets added to the list. But it is because I want to put it there not because someone said I should.
I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate being told what to do. I continually get into arguments at home because there is a bit of a power struggle going on. I am trying to gain it and my parents are trying not to lose it. I am 20 years old. I am an adult. But I still live in my parents’ house. I try to respect their wishes and do as they ask but sometimes I just want to make my own decisions.
My father, no matter what, constantly gives me advice. Advice I am neither asking for nor do I want. I have asked him time and time again to stop. I am strong and I am resilient. But I am not stupid, I will ask for advice when I need it. We have argued more times than I can count about his little interjections. I start feeling like I have control over my life and then when he starts telling me what I should do and sometimes I lose it. I have an Irish temper. It is what I do. It is all I ever knew. When I was growing up he was prone to little explosions, he has a temper. My mom has a temper. We are all strong personalities and sometimes it gets a little messy.
But I am trying. I am 20 years old and I have a full time job, a 3.8 GPA, my own car, my own insurance, two retirement plans, and an extremely strict budget. I am so far ahead of the game; I am much farther ahead then most people twice my age, let alone those who are my age.
In some ways I have been on my own for a very long time. I was forced to grow up a little sooner than I should have, but I deal. And in some ways I am just learning to stand on my own two feet, and I am a little shaky. I am going to fall, that is one thing I do know. I am going to fall and fall hard. I am going to get a bit bruised and I’m sure I will be undignified. But I will survive.
I will survive because I will refuse to quit, because I will not back down. It isn’t in my nature. I don’t like giving up even in the fight is futile. I was fight and I will survive, but I may not win. And I am OK with that. Because I am learning to accept that I cannot plan everything, and I cannot know everything in advance. And really? I am OK with that.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
A Tosh Prayer
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
oh holy lord. protect me. from myself. and from others. preserve the little sanity I have left. and maintian me. amen.
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhh
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
oh holy lord. protect me. from myself. and from others. preserve the little sanity I have left. and maintian me. amen.
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